Friday, September 21, 2012
It's not exactly how I mapped out my life when I was a young woman. I thought for sure I would follow in my mother's footsteps, work full-time, be a professional, wear power suits and panty hose. I had a plan.
And then God implemented His.
Again and again.
Because each time God changed the direction of my life I adjusted my plan to give His plan a well thought out trajectory. I got real good at living into those. But what I found is that each time I got comfortable, the Plan would change. And now I am at a place I would not have recognized as mine twenty years ago.
I am 40.
I have three young sons.
I work part-time as a pre-school teacher, teaching 4 year old's about Jesus and their alphabet.
I come home and I am the domestic diva of my household.
In my pedigree wife and mother come first. Holy cow! When did that happen? The headstrong young woman I was would have balked at that. And now those titles are more dear to me than any I have ever had, any I could imagine having. I still have dreams for myself, but being home and making home a place worth being is immensely important to me.
I'm the kind of girl that is riddled with self-doubts. It was true when I was an associate pastor in a large South Florida church. It was true when I was a campus minister. And now as a mom who is home with her kids more than I ever imagined I woud be, I still have them.
I wonder if I'm a blessing to my kids. I wonder if the good parts of my heart and character are rubbing off on them. I wonder if the good parts wear too thin when we are together, and they are picking up my impatience and weariness instead. I wonder if I am seeding their lives with enough of God's Goodness for them to grow into mighty oaks of righteousness, the kind that display His Glory every where they go.
There is something powerful in the wondering. Because I know that I didn't get here, in this season, in this place, on purpose. I got here by God's design. If it had been my design, it would have looked so much different. Yet here I am, and my heart is so wrapped up in the Work my Sweet Jesus has entrusted to my care.
He led me here, knowing that this is a place where my questions outweigh my answers and my learning curves outweigh my aptitudes. He positioned me in this time and place, for this moment, when my sons are young, when they are running full throttle with the delight of being a boy fresh in their veins, unharnessed energy and boundless enthusiasm loud in their ears and hearts and bodies. And God positioned me here, to greet them and run with them and feed them and tend to them and wash them and teach them and train them and discipline them and play with them and rest with them. These days are the most important ones. God offers the opportunity to participate in laying the foundation of character and trust for their lives. The one they will build everything else on, and eventually return to again and again.
I wonder about my role in the chaos. It's the little things that I hope leave their mark, marking my love for them in ways they probably don't see. Packing lunches, remembering snacks, making and baking, painting and biking. Little "I Love You"'s floating gently, landing lightly, unnoticed in their lives.
Oh God I hope it is enough.
And I wouldn't want another doing this.
Thank You for the opportunity. It is the buried treasure I found, when my plans turned upside down.