I've had this post on my heart for a while. And it seems that life has been hairy and crazy and busy and full. And where is the Holy minute to write? And then the unholy explodes into our lives and we wonder, do we even have a right to feel hopeful?
I've pondered this. A lot. And perhaps my delay has not been an accident. Because I believe the most radical thing we can do in the face of the unholy is to be children of Holy Light, those who shine in the darkness regardless.
So this Hope and Joy does not shrink back from the darkness that rages against the Light. Instead the Spirit whispers--shine more . . . .
I've spent two years walking through my own sadness, grief and loss. It seems one morning, I'm not sure exactly which one, I woke up happy. For two years I could not honestly say that about myself: happy. But now, today, I am.
I look outside and see everything coming to life again. And I think--That's me! I'm coming to life again! I am hopeful and joyful and not the kind that holds fiercely to God's Promise of Hope with blind faith because nothing feels hopeful and joyful. Not the kind of joy that holds hands with sorrow. I'm so grateful for that kind, because it kept my feet moving when I thought I would die. But this Joy and Hope I feel are alive, bourgeoning within me, spilling out in creativity that is teeming with color and beauty and NEW LIFE.
I know it is just a matter of time.
Before what is inside of me will be visible on the outside of me, birthed into reality.
I am so excited, I can hardly stand it!
The last two weeks we have been talking about Creation in Chapel with the pre-schoolers. I even made up a song to help us remember all that God did when He created the world--"On the first day of creation my True Love gave to me, Light to make our darkness bright." I just got it this morning that to live in the flow of Creative Energy, to release it into existence, to take that thing that inspires you and give it expression in the real world, is to truly participate in God's Holy Order, to bring forth His Kingdom, to not only live as a child of the Light but to walk in the Light. To give expression to God's Creative Purposes for our own lives is the most darkness-shattering thing we can ever do. Because to live in creative Joy is to truly be Fearless.
I have lived in fear for far too long. Dwelling for far too long in shadows, hiding my quirky self from the world, because I am just too different from anything else I've ever seen. What was He thinking when He made me?! And why, oh why, oh why, oh why Father would you make me like this?! I have often felt like that tiny purple flower in the middle of a sea of green, so small and fragile. Difficult to be seen. Impossible to take seriously. And I have asked the Lord so many times, "why didn't You just make me another blade of grass? My life would have been so much simpler.
For the first time maybe, I am so glad I am what I am.
And I believe that soon I will see God's purpose for me revealed.
And that gives me tremendous Hope and impossible Joy.