Monday, April 14, 2014

Hope in a Window Sill

I have a magnet sitting on my dresser mirror.  It is a picture of a mama bird hovering over her baby birds.  Their necks are extended toward her as they wait for her to drop food in.  The caption says, "My God will meet all your needs (Philippians 4:19)."  I remember the day this handmade magnet came into my possession.  Our church was having a baby blessing ceremony for all the babies born over the past year.  We were scheduled to bring our Isaiah to the special service.  He was still so tiny.  But that particular Sunday morning, baby Isaiah was sick.  Tim sent me on to church with toddler Noah while he stayed home to tend to our little one.  I was so angry at him.  It was so hard to sit through that service and watch all those moms stand in front of the church with their children. 

God sometimes works through means I would never choose, sometimes in ways that tick me off at first.  This was one of those times.  The sermon that day was one I needed to hear; it melted through my defensive anger to speak a word of hope.  What really caught my attention though was the little magnet Noah brought home from Sunday School, a very clear message to my heart that God was aware, engaged, and already at work to bring the support I so desperately needed.  It also tickled me when God sent an actual bird to nest in Tim's grill just at the moment when we most needed to know God was with us.

The past couple of weeks a bird has been building a nest in the corner of our bathroom window.  Every morning as I go through the motions of getting dressed for the day I see her silhouette comfortably situated on our window sill.  This is not Tim's grill.  I can't not notice this little bird and her home.  It's placement feels very pointed. 

Yesterday morning Tim casually brought it to my attention.  He says lightly, "Maybe it is a message."  He knows I've been struggling.  I simply reply, "Maybe."

I had thought the same thing.  I had spoken those words to myself earlier.

I have no sense of consolation, no feeling to back it up.  There are no answers written in the sky.  I know that I have to keep reminding myself of the truth of God's Goodness, to purposefully situate myself there so that I don't accidently fall into a sadness I can't get out of.  I have to plant myself in truth that is stable when my faith legs feel wobbly--situated just like the little birds situated nearby.  In this time of searching for answers, I see only a nest.  So close to me.  The story of a mama bird bringing forth little ones unfolding right before my eyes in one room.  And the words of a child's Sunday School magnet slapped against the bedroom mirror in the adjoining one:  "My God will meet all of your needs."

Do I take it seriously? 

Do I take it as if God wanted to plant that very message in my weary, doubting heart?

What if those words have not been lifted up by God at all, but are simply the graspings of a desperate woman?  What if I chose to believe God sent them anyway, sent birds to nest in my window anyway, even if He didn't?  Would God honor my believing still?

I think about what it means to believe something is true of God, even when it feels like a fairytale, even when it feels unreal and unreliable.   This I believe is faith.  And the message I am hoping in comes from scripture, which is a trustworthy source.  So I am going to choose to make my home there.

My God will meet every need. 

Not just the obvious ones, but the ones that haunt my dreams.  He will fill my hunger when my belly rumbles, and quench the thirst that leaves my mouth parched.  But He will also satisfy the crazy longing in my soul that just won't go away.  He will show us how to make ends meet, but He will also show me how He made me to meet an end which no one else can.  And in all of this consideration of which of my needs are biggest right now, I realize my biggest need is to simply trust Him.

I trust You.

With all that I am.  All that I want to be, Father.  I trust You.

I trust that You are aware . . . engaged . . .  already at work in my life in ways I cannot imagine but will someday get to see.

And I trust You with all that is entrusted to me.  Because life is no longer all about me.  Because every choice I make leaves its mark on my own little ones, and they need me.  In just the same way that I need You.

So I am situating myself in faith.

And I am choosing to believe that this is truth--
You will meet all my needs.

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